Where to Start

I’m not really sure where I’m going to go with this, it may just be this one post. All I know is I’m going to have to rely on someone to stumble upon this and hopefully share with my influences as I want to remain anonymous.

I don’t really know how to start this without it sounding like one of those fucking sob stories from xfactor or pop idol. Like I’m fine nothing I haven’t been conditioned to cope with from a young age. Stiff upper lip and all that jazz.

I’ve never had a support network, and what I mean by that is if I’m having a overwhelmingly shit day I don’t have anyone I can go “oh well this if fucked, hug”.  Before anyone (assuming someone actually reads this) is like oh what about your parents/ family. Put it this way when I was 7 I broke my ankle was forced to walk around on it for 3 hours and then was grounded because I broke it and it was an inconvenience to them.

However saying all of this I’m also grateful for not having that support. I think my mental health would be in a lot worse a shape if I had. I was bullied by my parents and by my peers at school, raped at 14, raped again at 16 and spent 2 years in an abusive relationship with and alcoholic cocain addict (not my smartest choice of men). I’m pretty sure right now I’d be consumed in the dark cloud of depression and anxiety had I had someone there to help pick up the pieces.

Of course this meant I found a hell load of coping  mechanisms; I learnt to play the saxophone, I learnt to play the bass guitar, I’m currently learning how to play the piano ( I should probably get an actual piano or keyboard  proving  quite difficult on an iPad) , I write plays, I’ve read the entire works of Shakespeare, I bought a dictionary (something I recommend if you’re gonna read Shakespeare), got really into the Tudors, still am, Queen lizzy 1st  fierce as fuck.

And then I found comedy and in particular Tim Minchin. This is where I get really fan girly and dedicate and entire paragraph just to him cause I have sooooo much to thank him for. I first saw him at Edinburgh in 2005, I was there with a small amdram group going just to see shows. We had a free day to do what we liked and on a whim I went to his show cause who I wanted to see was sold out. I’m glad I did. There I found someone not only  hilarious but someone who could articulate my world views better than I ever could. I’ve followed his work through out the years and found the comfort and support I’ve never had and some amazing people along the way. Most recently his work on Groundhog Day came at the perfect point. During its run at the Old Vic I saw it 9 times. I didn’t realise the impact of this perfect musical had until it was wrongly snubbed at the Tony’s. I definitely had little cry. Tim if you ever get to read this thank you for everything, your kindness, your warmth, your art, your intelligence, your influence the list goes on. But most of all thank you for unknowingly being there when times were hard and helping me crack a smile when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Also you give the best hugs, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Overall I’m pretty fucking proud of where I am right now. I moved to London 7 years ago and built myself a career here though other people look at it and see it as a failure. I enjoy it. Sometimes.

Thanks for reading,

from an inner north London top floor flat all white walls, wood flooring, no cat.